Or not. I'm tired of everything right now, my job, my family, my life. It's hopelessness after nothing I felt is worth it. I'm not really surprised. The winter months always pretty much bring these feelings. It's just, I normally get the Spring thru Fall break. That helps.
This year I spend 60% of the summer depressed too. I'm trying my damnest to snap or trick myself out of it. I'm trying to concentrate on improving the situation, a better job so I won't be so stressed about bills and money. A better job so I can get health insurance and see a doctor for my cold allergy, for my stomach issues or depression or transgendered issues because if someone calls me Shayna one more time or just female-pronouns, I'm giving up.
Of course, this was the December plan. December was the month without a laptop charger. It finally arrived towards the end. I rejoyced by playing video games because shut up, it wasn't making me feel like shit. I'm escapist. So this week (the third month Fridays has cut my fucking hours down to maybe 20), I started up the better life hunt again.
The results ended with 'I'm not qualifed for any of this,' 'I'm even more depressed,' and 'Oh, now my laptop is fully broken and useless'. Cue the almost tears and me almost throwing the damn things across the living room. Had I been alone, I probably would've done both.
I know these are ridiculously stupid reasons to get under my skin and they're not the only things bugging and depressing me, just the only ones I feel like talking about. I know there's ten thousand reasons my life is great and totally worth living. But, if I'm honest with myself, I don't .see many of those reasons. In fact, the only ones I feel for right now don't have anything to do with my well-being but others. You'll make others sad so no. You'll just become another 50/30 statistics which you said would never happen. I don't think these thoughts are all that healthy either. I should want this for myself, not Mum'll cry, your friends will cry and a gravestone marked Shayna Clark is absolutely out of the question.
Which isn't to say I'd do anything. I don't want to cause hardships for people any more than needed. I'm just tired, depressed and isolating myself again. I'm just trying to work out my thoughts yet again. It sucks. I hate being just emotional. I don't want to I hate being weak because I know that's not the cause but I feel that way. I hate its been at least six years and I'm still dealing with hopelessness almost on predictable basis, hate its still awful enough to cripple my normally self to this apathetic shell.
I'm going to take a shower and cut my hair again. Maybe I'll feel a see bit more energetic and me.
Current Music: Zombies Everywhere - Karate High School